


No Matter What

by NotLostAnymore



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Bullying, First Love, M/M, Ragehappy Secret Santa 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 07:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9169324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotLostAnymore/pseuds/NotLostAnymore
Summary: Once upon a time Ryan made a promise that he and Jeremy would always stick together. Then he broke that promise.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for dmitrimolotov on Tumblr as part of Ragehappy Secret Santa 2016.

“We go together. Always. No matter what.”

It was a simple promise, one that had bound the boys together for what at first felt like life. It ran deeper than any simple friendship, made them closer than brothers even. It felt like a constant, the one thing that made sense to Jeremy in the complicated wasteland that was high school.

It had all started when Ryan had first interfered with the gang of bullies who had Jeremy cornered outside the lunch hall. The freshman hadn’t been afraid to stand up to himself but when some much taller and stronger juniors had started pushing him around and mocking him there was little he could do. There was nothing particularly creative about their threats - the same old “You’re gonna get a swirlie” and “Hope you like hanging out in dumpsters.” Jeremy had tried not to think too much into it. He would fight back where he could but on the whole he was utterly useless to defend himself. That was when Ryan had stepped in, every bit as tall and strong as the bullies and had seen them off with no more than two well-aimed punches. The rest of them scrambled, terrified of the lacrosse player’s silent fury.

“You alright?” Ryan asked, his voice soft as his features relaxed from anger into a look of concern. For a few moments Jeremy had no control over himself, his words locked away in his mind as he struggled to vocalize his thoughts. It had hardly been the first time he’d been the target of bullies but never in his four months at the school had he actually had somebody stand up for him. Even his own friends ran for their lives whenever somebody decided to have a little fun with the shortest kid in freshman year. It was humiliating and infuriating but it was just how his life went and Jeremy had started to get used to it even if he didn’t particular enjoy it. In fact he fucking hated school, he just knew that there was no point rebelling because he had another three and a half years left. The torture would stop eventually though, he knew it.

“Yeah, I’m great,” Jeremy replied in a shaking voice, forcing a weak smile onto his face. He didn’t feel particularly brave anymore but when did he ever? School was more hassle than it was worth but he couldn’t exactly give up either. He just had to accept the fact that he was never going to be popular or even left alone, he was doomed to be the school punching bag and that was just the way it was. Life couldn’t be fair to everyone after all. He just drew the short straw, all puns aside.

Jeremy never liked to think of himself as a Damsel-in-Distress type but it became something of a recurring motif when the next time he was cornered by his bullies Ryan stepped in again. Every time they spoke the younger boy felt a strange twisting feeling in his stomach that he couldn’t quite identify. Was it envy that Ryan was clearly so confident and capable of looking after himself that he was extending that privilege to others or was it something more sordid? Jeremy’s own feelings towards his sexuality had always been a little complicated but he didn’t want to give people more reasons to consider him an outcast so he swallowed those feelings and forced a smile onto his face. “We need to stop meeting like this, huh?” he mumbled, glancing from Ryan’s face down to his feet.

“How about you sit with me at lunch instead?” the older boy asked, catching Jeremy by surprise. Was he insane? Why on Earth would he want to be seen with a social leper like Jeremy? No, this had to be part of some bigger prank. The request couldn’t be genuine, he refused to believe it. “Hey, I’m not kidding. You seem pretty cool and I don’t like seeing people sit alone at lunch. Come sit with me,” Ryan continued, a smile ghosting along his perfectly kissable lips. Jeremy couldn’t help but mirror the expression on his decidedly _less_ kissable lips as he gently nodded his head. Damn, he was so fucking screwed, wasn’t he?

It took a considerable amount of courage and fighting off his initial hesitation but after that Jeremy began sitting with Ryan at lunch. He sat at a table with a handful of other Junior boys who merely smiled as the freshman joined them at the table before focusing back on their discussion. It was Ryan that engaged him in conversation mainly, asking him about his classes and his hobbies. It was days and weeks before Jeremy really began to open up but Ryan made it so easy, his smile as welcoming as it had been the first time he’d swooped down to his rescue.

For months Ryan was like a shining paragon of light in Jeremy’s life, a model of perfection for him to aspire to. Then the shine began to wear off a little and Ryan’s flaws began to slowly expose themselves. It didn’t ruin the younger boy’s opinion of him though, in fact it made their friendship even closer. He didn’t give a fuck if Ryan liked to get high several nights a week or regularly cheated on important tests. If anything it brought Ryan down to Earth, exposing him as a regular human rather than the angel Jeremy had suspected him of being.

Every now and then the boys would cut class and escape into their favorite hidden spots all across town. Jeremy had been hesitant the first time the other boy asked if he wanted to bunk science but then he remembered something Ryan had said to him once and forced himself to smile. “We go together, right?”

Ryan just grinned back. “Always.”

That Christmas Ryan bought him a collector’s edition Batman comic, something he’d mentioned in passing over a month ago. Suddenly Jeremy’s gift of a home-baked pie seemed rather pathetic in comparison. “You made this yourself?” Ryan asked, beaming at him. Jeremy clamped down on his nerves and nodded. “It’s glorious,” he continued, helping himself to another mouthful. The younger boy was pretty sure that he’d never blushed so hard but Ryan just grinned at him and everything suddenly felt okay. He had a way of doing that, calming Jeremy down whenever he began to panic. He seemed to know exactly what to do at any given moment and even though it was clear that Ryan wasn’t perfect, he still seemed like some sort of angel descended from Heaven. Maybe it was cliché to think that but when all the recent good developments in Jeremy’s life seemed to come from the same source it was hard to see him as anything but.

Jeremy realized he was in love with Ryan when the boy showed up on his porch one night early in the year, face bloody and nose broken. “What the hell happened to you?!” the younger boy exclaimed, doing his best to keep his voice quiet. His parents were still asleep upstairs and as much as they’d liked Ryan every time they’d crossed paths, he was fairly confident that they wouldn’t be too impressed with him showing up at two in the morning with his face mashed in.

“Fight,” was all Ryan grunted in response. “Any chance you can clean me up? Don’t want my folks seeing me like this.” Any rational person would have told Ryan to go to a hospital but by this point Jeremy was past being rational. He all but pulled the older boy into his house, sat him down at the kitchen table and began to patiently clean up the blood. Slowly Ryan’s handsome face became more visible and Jeremy was suddenly aware of just how close their faces were. Everything about Ryan was so beautiful, from his long eyelashes to the grin that was somewhere between cocky and charming. It sent a shiver down Jeremy’s spine and that was the exact moment he knew he was totally fucked. How typical was it that he would fall in love with his only friend? The friend that would never see him as more than somebody who needed to be protected at all costs.

Jeremy wasn’t sure when they had taken the step from good friends to _best_ friends (and there was a difference, he felt very strongly about that) but he was certain it had been solidified by the time he was present for Ryan’s first big argument with his parents. It came as a total surprise for everybody besides Ryan apparently, as he announced at the dinner table that he’d failed his senior year and was being forced to repeat. It felt like a hurricane had suddenly erupted inside the Haywood home and Jeremy was in the middle of it, holding on for dear life.

When Ryan began to storm out, Jeremy chased after him and grabbed him by the hand. Ryan’s lips curved into a frown as he looked at him but Jeremy wasn’t scared anymore. “We go together. Always,” he reminded the taller boy.

“No matter what,” Ryan echoed back at him before pulling him in and stealing a brief, chaste kiss from his lips. Jeremy’s heart felt like it was going to explode and his grip on the other’s hand tightened for just a second. When Ryan pulled back, that same grin was on his face and Jeremy’s cheeks flushed pink. _Well that was unexpected_.

The summer was full of a lot more kissing than Jeremy had expected. They weren’t necessarily together - at least not in any traditional manner of the way - but they were never apart and Jeremy’s feelings for the other only grew stronger with each passing day. He fit in the other’s strong arms so easily and every time their lips met his heart beat a little faster. Ryan was everything he had ever wanted and it was strange to think that maybe he was the same for the other too.

“You know, I never thought I’d be so happy to be a damsel-in-distress,” Jeremy declared one day. Ryan had just laughed and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. The younger boy only blushed in response. It was just another perfect moment in a summer that he was sure he would never forget. It was a promise that maybe the next school year wouldn’t be so bad after all.

And then, on the first day of Jeremy’s junior year, Ryan never showed up. He didn’t turn up for the whole first week and when Jeremy very reluctantly went to the Haywood home, Ryan’s parents told him that they hadn’t seen him in weeks.

It took Jeremy a long time to accept that he was gone. He kept glancing over his shoulder, expecting to see the other boy walking down the corridor with a big smile on his face. Ryan had never been arrogant but he walked with a confidence that showed just how comfortable he felt in his own skin. Jeremy had always been a little jealous, wishing he was that at peace with himself. Even when he found a place on the school’s gymnastics team early in the year he still didn’t feel totally okay with the boy he saw in the mirror. His ears were too big, his arms too thin, he was too damn _short_. If Ryan had been there he probably would have said he was perfect as he was. Ryan was gone though and as weeks and months passed, Jeremy slowly began to accept it.

Ryan had left without him. He had broken their promise.

High school changed a lot after Jeremy started participating in competitions as part of the gymnastics team. By the end of his Junior year he had won a number of championships and had somehow stumbled into becoming one of the popular kids, not unlike the ones who had given him grief just a few years before. Jeremy never let himself get cruel though, he took inspiration from his runaway friend and watched out for the kids who couldn’t look after themselves, the kids he saw so much of himself in.

It took a long time to get over Ryan. Even though they hadn’t technically been together, losing him still crushed Jeremy and he didn’t feel ready to move on for over a year, at least until a cute British transfer student caught his eye. Gavin Free did his best to impress him the way Jeremy was sure he’d tried to impress Ryan and against better he was charmed. It wasn’t enough to make him come out - he wasn’t going to risk the popularity he’d built for himself when he wasn’t even sure what it was he and Gavin shared - but it was nice and it was different. They weren’t sneaking out of class, they weren’t getting high every week and Gavin wasn’t showing up at his door with a broken nose. It was safe and ultimately it wasn’t what Jeremy wanted.

Gavin wasn’t the only person who took a pass at Jeremy’s heart but none of them came nearly as close as Ryan had. Even though it had been almost two years since he’d vanished into the night, the shadow of his old friend still hung over Jeremy and he couldn’t shake it off. Every time he thought about it, a cocktail of emotions erupted inside him. _Anger_ at being abandoned, _fear_ that he’d never get over it, _love_ because no matter what his heart still beat a little faster every time he thought about him. Mostly of all though, it just hurt because no matter what they had promised, he hadn’t been enough for Ryan. That’s what it really boiled down to.

Every now and then he would still phone Ryan’s number, just to check. It would ring and ring but he would never pick up. The answerphone message hadn’t changed in years but Jeremy still left messages, retelling all the parts of his life that Ryan was missing. It was unhealthy clinging onto the hope that he was listening and he knew it but he couldn’t stop. It was the last bit of the other that he could still cling onto.

Come graduation, Jeremy had come to terms with the thought of never seeing Ryan again. High school was almost behind him and it just made sense to put Ryan behind him too. He’d scored a good scholarship for university, he was going straight onto the gymnastics team and maybe that was actually going to take him places -

Only then Ryan turned up to graduation and suddenly Jeremy felt like he was that scared fourteen year old freshman again.

The missing years had treated the older boy kindly. The stubble was new and Jeremy’s first thought was to wander how it would feel against his skin when they kissed. Ryan’s body was a little less firm but his shoulders were still broad and his biceps were defined enough for Jeremy to wonder just how strong he was. He couldn’t help but soak in the image of his long lost friend for several moments as his brain struggled to catch up with the situation.

“Hey Jeremy,” Ryan greeted, his voice soft and his expression guilty.

There were a thousand things Jeremy wanted to say in response to that but it was as if he had no control over himself anymore. “What are you doing here?” he asked finally, a hard edge to his voice that he hadn’t been expecting. Ryan winced, caught off guard, but Jeremy didn’t have it in him to feel bad. All those negative thoughts and emotions were bubbling back to the surface and he couldn’t control it anymore. He was glad that they were at least far away enough from his family and classmates for them to not see the meltdown that was surely coming.

“I wanted to see you graduate,” Ryan replied, shrugging his shoulders as if that explained absolutely everything. “I missed you.” Did he really think that was enough? Was he crazy? Jeremy’s hands were shaking and he shoved them into the pockets of his graduation gown just to hide any sign of weakness. He didn’t want Ryan to know just how badly he had gotten to him, even though he was sure it probably showed on his face.

“Where were you?” he demanded, standing his ground. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted the answer but he couldn’t stop himself. He’d spent two whole years wondering where Ryan was, whether he was still alive. Theorizing that maybe his parents had locked him up in the basement or had shipped him off to some ‘pray away the gay’ camp. Every possibly scenario that could explain why Ryan had just _left him_ had played through his mind and each one hurt more than the one before. Now he was back and Jeremy was forced to accept that none of those had happened.

Ryan shifted uncomfortably, moving a hand up to scratch the back of his neck. “I had to go. I had to clear my head, to find out who I was, I had to…” He trailed off, gazing into the distance with wet eyes. Jeremy didn’t have it in him to feel sympathetic.

“You should have told me!” he snapped in response, wringing his hands and fighting back against the tears threatening to form in his own eyes.

“I was going to, but - but I knew you would have followed me,” Ryan explained, gaze drifting towards Jeremy’s feet. The fact he couldn’t even look him in the eyes made Jeremy’s blood boil even more.

“You promised that you would never leave me!” Jeremy roared, his voice breaking as he struggled against the emotions spilling out of him. “ _We go together. Always. No matter what!_ ” he recited, the words twisted with bitterness. It was an empty promise, one that Ryan had broken without a second thought.

For a long time Ryan was silent. The momentary peace allowed Jeremy to calm down, his exclamation having let out some of the tension that had been twisting his heart like a knot for years. Promises like that were supposed to be lasting and Jeremy knew that Ryan was right - if he had said he was going, Jeremy would have followed in a heartbeat. He would have followed because he believed in that promise. He wondered if the same could be said in reverse. If he had decided to skip town all those years ago, would Ryan had followed?

Given the evidence, he wasn’t sure that was the case.

“I couldn’t do that to you, J,” Ryan croaked, drawing Jeremy’s attention back to him. Ryan’s cheeks were wet and he’d finally forced himself to meet his eyes again. “I couldn’t stop you from having a life, that was too much to ask.”

“I would have done anything for you,” Jeremy muttered, hating himself more with every word. Ryan had him twisted around his finger and he knew it. God, why had he ever let himself get this bad? He’d had years to move on and he still hadn’t.

“Exactly. But I couldn’t let you do this.” Ryan’s voice was soft and steadier than his teary eyes would suggest. The voice instantly reminded Jeremy of his freshman year, when Ryan had been his rock. The only constant that really made sense to him. “I’m sorry I broke the promise, I am. I never meant to hurt you.”

_But you did._ Jeremy didn’t have the strength to fight back anymore. It wasn’t fair that Ryan could come back all these years later and still hurt him like this, as if he was nothing more than a puppet who was just waiting to have his strings pulled. This was supposed to be one of the best days of his life and yet here he was, reduced to a blubbering wreck with no idea how this scenario could possibly end happily. “Why did you come back?” he asked finally, wiping the tears away with the back of his hand.

Ryan didn’t reply straight away. His glanced down at his feet and then up to the sky before finally looking Jeremy in the eyes. “For you. I came back for you,” he replied tenderly. “I know you’ve probably got your life set up without me but– but I miss you and now I’ve sorted myself out, I want to be a part of your life again.” There was a momentary pause before he added: “If you’ll have me.”

The world felt like it stopped turning. Jeremy stared at the young man before him and all he saw was a scared little boy, so unlike the Ryan he had known all those years ago. Ryan had always feel strong and confident and here he was, so vulnerable and willing to expose his heart. It was like everything Jeremy knew had been turned on his head and he had no idea what to think. “I go to college next month,” he pointed out eventually. He wasn’t sure what else he could really say.

“Then I’ll go with you,” Ryan declared. “We go together, right? I mean it this time.”

Jeremy so badly wanted to believe the other. He really did, but how could he believe in a promise that had already been broken once? His heart was aching, so desperate to fall back into the other’s arms but his brain fought back, reminding him of the hurt he’d endured that first week when Ryan never showed up or responded to any calls or messages. The crushing realization that he probably wasn’t coming back, that their perfect summer had been tainted by a cruel twist ending.

Things suddenly seemed a lot clearer in his mind.

“Thank you for coming back,” he said delicately, finally closing a door in his heart that had remained open for far too long. “But I don’t think we can go together for this one.” He hadn’t quite realized it but even when he was gone Ryan had continued to shape Jeremy as a person. His absence had forced him to grow up, to fight for himself and become the kind of boy who didn’t hate looking in the mirror and wasn’t afraid to take risks for his own happiness. It had come at the cost of his best friend but in the end, hadn’t it all worked out? “You found out who you are. Now I’ve gotta find out who _I_ am without you,” he finished, cupping Ryan by the jaw as he leaned in to place one final kiss on his perfect lips.

Jeremy didn’t feel scared when he walked away, back to his family and the friends he’d made over the last few years. A part of his heart would always belong to Ryan and every time he looked at the prized collector’s edition in his comic pile his heart would skip a beat but he knew now that he didn’t have to give his whole heart away. Ryan was always going to be an important part of his life but he was just that: a part. Jeremy still had so much left to experience and maybe there would be a reunion with Ryan somewhere in his future.

For now though, he had the closure he needed and that felt like the best graduation present he could get.


End file.
